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April 20th, 2008

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January 31st, 2008

10:54 pm - What Do You Have To Say? - An Artist Is... Art is music. I make music. I am an artist. Current Mood: lonely Tags: consider artist, hpartsandcrafts2, what do you have to say?, writer's block

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January 29th, 2008

09:03 am - Down to the wire... That's it. I just hung up with the piano movers. They are coming tomorrow. And then, finis...done...my apartment life (ten freakin' years of it) can go straight to hell. It's a new day. I think I'll celebrate. God, I'm happier than I have been in years. Current Mood: ecstatic

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January 28th, 2008

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January 25th, 2008

10:49 am - New House, New Life, New Me Wish me luck. That's my new plan. We moved two weeks ago. Finally out of that damn apartment after ten years that seemed an eternity in Hell. I love this house. It beautiful. Slightly drafty, as old houses tend to be, but still, so perfect. The wee one is out of our room, into her own. Such a relief. Teenager in the basement. Small boy in his own space. Of course, Man and I still have to share, but I guess that's the breaks when you say "I do"...at least he keeps my feet warm. Love the new job. It's a perfect fit. In fact, on Monday, a new adventure. I start teaching Toddler Music classes. Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. How I wonder who I are... Still wondering, but doing much better. Current Location: The "office" Current Mood: happy Current Music: We just figured out Blue's Clues...coming from the OTHER room!!!!

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October 19th, 2007

07:05 pm - Alive I am not dead. So many improvements in my life, vast improvements, and still some dead ends. But I am not dead. So much to say. I'll expand later. Current Mood: okay

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April 30th, 2007

10:29 pm - Dexatrim I'm concerned about my weight, which has gotten steadily heavier. Those that know me realize this is a true issue for me. I'm much bigger now than I've been in a while. One part of me says, "your'e hungry - eat a sammich"...the other part, whose pants from last summer are creeping up her butt because they are too tight, says,"Dammit, have some self-control (my forte), take the Dexatrim (which I did) and don't eat the $@#!ing donuts. I ate two yesterday between services. Moron. I managed to skip breakfast and lunch today (hardly ever eat breakfast, so that wasn't a stretch), but I was damn hungry by 2 o'clock and thought I was going to cave in. So stupid. So I ate dinner - homemade chicken enchiladas and Spanish rice...oh, yes, and two and a half Margaritas....yummy...and now I feel like a bloated, flippin' idiot who doesn't know how to step away from the buffet. If it ain't one damn thing it's another. Current Location: bed Current Mood: worried Current Music: ceiling fan whiring - baby breathing

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April 28th, 2007

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12:20 pm - Cuckoo for ...Healthy Chocolate? So I went to this Direct Marketing seminar last night, and the product was "healthy chocolate." An oxymoron, one would think. But the lady of the hour was none other than Marie Osmond-can you stand it? She looked great except for the fake eyelashes, which I personally found disturbing. Oddly enough, she seemed incredibly genuine, or else I was just totally star-struck. Her nephew, Justin Osmond (Merrill's son, the one with hearing loss) was with her. He works here in the cities for Starkey Foundation, and is a supporter of the "healthy chocolate" craze. He looked so much like Donny that my heart was pounding like a teenager. YUMMY - WHO CARES ABOUT THE CHOCOLATE??? That said, although I HATE HATE HATE sales, I could be seduced by dark chocolate and the Osmond Family. I am that pathetic. Current Location: Why am I inside when outside it's so beautiful??? Current Mood: giddy Current Music: Tweeting Birds

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April 14th, 2007

09:20 pm - Losing My Compass I'm unemployed. This brings an end to a somewhat dazed period of my existence that I did not anticipate, and in retrospect, did not handle very well. Oh well, I never claimed to have a map or level of maturity to keep things in perspective. I've said many times in the last few weeks, on one hand, I'm utterly disgusted with myself and feel like a failure. On the other hand, I am so completely relieved, and I am more relaxed and comfortable with myself than I have been in three years. I can't explain that. Although some things have changed and I have taken steps to grow, some things have not, and I still wallow in them. I did not like my job. Some aspects, yes, but to be honest, having worked from home for ten years and then attempting to re-enter the physical workforce did not go very well for me. I don't think I know how to keep an actual schedule. It's been such a very long time since I had to adhere to something like that, I screwed it up. I accept responsibility for the parts of my opportunity that I screwed up, but at the same time, I have to wonder if I was set up to fail. Which sucks. I did learn, though, that although all of my life I assumed, based on my outgoing personality, I would naturally succeed in the sales field, this is not the case at all and I completely over-estimated myself. The ironic contradiction is that the job itself was turning me into somewhat of an introvert. I'm fairly certain that I was teetering on the edge of my sane zone. I'm climbing out now. I'm not there. But I'm better. And mostly sober. I'm finding me. I still feel lost, but not as deep in the jungle. My house is cleaner and cleaner every day. I can breathe in here. I'm sure the Prozac helps, and I intend to keep it and be proactive with my mental health, as opposed to the spiral downward in an uncontrollable fashion. I'm a good person. I am. I have a good heart. I hate that it hurts all the time. But in the last couple of weeks, the time that I am spending with my children, especially Erin all day (and I didn't realize how much I missed that), is really serving to heal me. Sort of. I'm not going to jump in without a life jacket. But I can breathe. One day at a time. One step at a time. Baby steps. Move on. Move on. Can it be done? One would think. What next? Current Mood: pensive

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February 27th, 2007

06:49 pm - The Wine Bar I'm sitting in my favorite little wine bar. Kristi and I frequent this haunt. I love it. It's dark, quiet, quaint. The food is incredible, and the wine, even better. I'm alone. It's very surreal. Normally, on a Tuesday night, she would be with me, but she's sick with what I had Friday, and refuses to call the doctor for help. I, being a weenie, nipped it in the bud right away. So, now, I'm alone in a wine bar, with my laptop, the picture of pathetic, I am sure. But at the moment, I've had enough lovely red that I don't care. I saw the DR yesterday, who informed me that drinking alcohol was counter-productive to an antidepressant....Really? I had no clue. It's not that I am a moron, but I'm just so good at this self-medication thing. Anyhoo...rehearsal tonight, without my sick amigo. Darn it. It shall not be as much fun. Add all those other factors in, and it just might suck. Oh, back to the visit to the physician...he analyzed me, and the upped my dosage by doubling it. Woo-hoo, I say. Bring on the cure. Cure me. Fix me. Tell me what the hell is wrong with me...(and don't say it's the wine). I had a corporate meeting all day in Bloomington, and left still having a job, so that is a plus. I must be more successful. I was successful in the beginning. I wish I could understand where, when, and why I fell into my downward spiral. I am actually considering visiting a therapist...it can't hurt, right? Well, I've been considering it for some time. But now I actually have a name. What would I tell him, though? The truth? The truth is pathetic. I have no reason to be sad. Where did I go? Current Location: Beaujo's Wine Bar & Bistro Current Mood: blah Current Music: none

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February 24th, 2007

09:48 pm - Blizzard, And I Ain't Talkin' Dairy Queen I don't know why I said that...it just sounded funny at the time. It finally did start to snow this afternoon. They say we're to get a foot or more. Please...it hasn't done that the whole ten years I've been in Minnesota, don't know why it would start now... AND little Southern girl would really prefer if it didn't. I have to drive in for two services in the morning and don't really feel like fighting it, but I guess I will. Called the DR yesterday and he called me in some antibiotics, so I'm feeling much, much better already. He also refilled the Prozac without me having to go in, thank God, although I know I need to see him. I just didn't want to run out. I'm afraid. How pathetic is that? Anyhoo...I'll make an appointment next week. That's a good girl. Bridget Jones' Diary is on. I love that film. My favorite line is the very last one, beautifully muttered by a hugely sexy Colin Firth. My goodness... And, nice boys DO kiss like that. Current Location: bed, with rum and coke, because I broke Current Mood: okay Current Music: TV Monotony

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February 23rd, 2007

08:51 am - Kleenex I have a cold. A hellacious cold. I've been taking Allegra since October, and it's been a terrific addition to my life, but I don't think it can fight the common cold or flu. Boy, I hope it's not the flu. My shoulders ache. I'm up in Monticello today doing drug safety for the middle schoolers. I find that ironically amusing, in that I am taking drugs (prescribed ones) to survive. Amusing. Last night, for the first time in two months, I did not have a drink. A couple of times I found myself wishing I WAS drunk, in the "how to deal" capacity. But I didn't. Not sure how I feel about it. I say and do stupid things when I drink. No common sense. It goes right out of the window, and brutal honesty comes flying out of my mouth. So last night, I didn't drink, and didn't say anything honest. There you have it. Now, I just need t blow my nose, over and over again. Current Location: Van, Montincello Current Mood: sick Current Music: Listen to the music of the traffic in the city...

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February 16th, 2007

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February 9th, 2007

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February 5th, 2007

07:54 pm - BRRRRRR Yes, I MAY be a "delicate Southern flower"... but there was no way in hell that I was going anywhere with it -17 below 0. That's the coldest it's ever been in my entire 37+ years...no need for me to start a trend by actually going out in it. Well, I tried. I did go to a meeting this morning, and then came back with a plan of completing my paperwork and then going out to coordinate the project...but even in three layers of clothing, once I got back in here and got winter sleepy, I made an executive decision. This is not fit weather for human beings. I don't know how people can actually enjoy this... I'd rather wilt than get frostbite. Current Mood: cold

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February 2nd, 2007

07:29 pm - Existing I am attempting to exist, survive. Some days are better than others. Obviously, the night I posted my last entry was a bad day. I'm much better today. Other people have real problems, yet they manage to be strong, and stoic, and they get by. I respect them. I look up to them. My problems are so small, I guess, but to me, sometimes are overwhelming. That makes me weak. My doctor recently prescribed an anti-depressant...well, about two months ago, but he changed the meds about one month ago. I didn't want to be here again. I never thought I would be. I over-estimated myself. Right this minute I'm okay with that. I'm human. I just didn't want this to be me again. In fact, it's not even a me I recognize, and I'm truly uncomfortable with that. But I'm going to try to work on it. I've been numbing it with alcohol lately. I'm not missing the fact that alcohol is a depressant (it's in the back of my mind) and therefore everything may be counter-acting. I'm just going to keep trying. Even though some days I don't want to. My children are beautiful people. Even the hormonal twelve-year-old demon princess...she takes my worst moods and makes them worse. But she's still beautiful, and smart, and, when not scowling or rolling her eyes at me, she is a pleasure. I have three beautiful people in my life. I have one best friend who knows my faults and flaws and loves me anyway. Surely, in the end, it's all going to be okay. I just have to find a way to get there. There. That's the end of my Sad Sack story for today. It's what under-developed characters in bad movies are made of... Current Mood: okay

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January 24th, 2007

10:46 pm Would it be truthful to say that being truthful on your live journal is not truthful? I'm not going to be truthful anymore. Current Mood: crappy

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January 21st, 2007

05:44 pm - Stranger In My Own Mind I'm really not a freak. Or, I'm really a freak. I've spent an hour or so reading past postings on my journal, and if you didn't know me, you might really think I need to attend AA meetings. This is not the case. Yes, I search for an escape. Yes, a numbing agent. Yes, I know I'll never find it. I think, perhaps, inner peace is a farce. No one has it. No one will ever have it. You're supposed to be just satisfied with who and what you are, I think. I'm not. I won't be. Screw it. But I'm not trying to drink it away. I just want it to go away. Is that too much to ask? I think not. Moving on...I did absolutely nothing this weekend. K & I went out for dinner and wine Friday night, and it was lovely. I do so enjoy her company. I am just myself. She knows all, and accepts me. Expects nothing of me. Loves me for me. An angel on Earth, if you ask me. I don't know how I would have survived the last year without her. In fact, I can't remember my life before her. I'm very lucky. Everyone should have a friend who loves you unconditionally. We came back here Friday night and hung out, slept, goofed around, watched chick flicks and mysteries, drank somemore (I don't understand the Jack Daniels excitement-it let me down), played games, drank some more, and did NOTHING. It was grand. I hated to see her go this morning. But alas, she had a date. Not with me. A real live boy, as she said. What's that, I say? Could my brain work in a more random way? Current Location: cozy in my bed Current Mood: okay

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