Is That The Last Cookie?

Writer's Block: Here's the Skinny...

2008-04-20T23:28:14Z

Have you ever been skinny dipping?

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ncsnowbelle @ 2008-04-20T18:24:00

2008-04-20T23:24:36Z

I want to be dead.

What Do You Have To Say? - An Artist Is...

2008-02-01T04:55:44Z

Art is music. I make music. I am an artist.

Down to the wire...

2008-01-29T15:05:59Z

That's it. I just hung up with the piano movers. They are coming tomorrow. And then, finis...done...my apartment life (ten freakin' years of it) can go straight to hell. It's a new day. I think I'll celebrate.

God, I'm happier than I have been in years.

What Do You Have To Say? - I Made It Myself

2008-01-28T15:13:15Z

What have you made using your own two hands?

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A pie crust. It was downright ugly, but it tasted good.
And a bird house. I don't know what possessed me. I'm not crafty. But I built it, and a Bluebird family moved in and had babies. I felt accomplished.

New House, New Life, New Me

2008-01-25T16:55:55Z

Wish me luck. That's my new plan. We moved two weeks ago. Finally out of that damn apartment after ten years that seemed an eternity in Hell. I love this house. It beautiful. Slightly drafty, as old houses tend to be, but still, so perfect. The wee one is out of our room, into her own. Such a relief. Teenager in the basement. Small boy in his own space. Of course, Man and I still have to share, but I guess that's the breaks when you say "I do"...at least he keeps my feet warm.

Love the new job. It's a perfect fit. In fact, on Monday, a new adventure. I start teaching Toddler Music classes. Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. How I wonder who I are...

Still wondering, but doing much better.

Alive

2007-10-20T00:07:03Z

I am not dead. So many improvements in my life, vast improvements, and still some dead ends. But I am not dead. So much to say. I'll expand later.

Dexatrim

2007-05-01T03:37:56Z

I'm concerned about my weight, which has gotten steadily heavier. Those that know me realize this is a true issue for me. I'm much bigger now than I've been in a while. One part of me says, "your'e hungry - eat a sammich"...the other part, whose pants from last summer are creeping up her butt because they are too tight, says,"Dammit, have some self-control (my forte), take the Dexatrim (which I did) and don't eat the $@#!ing donuts. I ate two yesterday between services. Moron. I managed to skip breakfast and lunch today (hardly ever eat breakfast, so that wasn't a stretch), but I was damn hungry by 2 o'clock and thought I was going to cave in. So stupid. So I ate dinner - homemade chicken enchiladas and Spanish rice...oh, yes, and two and a half Margaritas....yummy...and now I feel like a bloated, flippin' idiot who doesn't know how to step away from the buffet.
If it ain't one damn thing it's another.

Feeling...well, Better

2007-04-29T05:01:48Z

I did finally get off my arse and tossed Erin in her stroller and walked to the park. We played and played and swung (?) swang (?) swinged (?)....dammit, I pushed her on the swings.
She had great fun and I got fresh air and exercise. Which made me hungry for red meat. Don't ask. I can't explain it. Anyhoo, for dinner I cooked some steaks, and we had Ceasar Salad and pototos, and I opened a lovely bottle of 94 Merlot. When it finally got dark, I bathed my filthy children (and mind you, the boy was so dirty that I was forced to use GOJO on him, and he STILL didn't come clean!), put them to bed, and had some more wine. Then Caramel ice cream. So much for my fabulous weight loss of last year. I was thinking today, trying to figure out why I have gone from where I was this time last year (small) to where I am now (not so small), and then it dawned on me. There are a lot of calories in alcohol. Which I am not willing to give up, so I'll just keep the big boobs, thanks. Well, big, in a relatively speaking sort of way. Let's just say...sufficient.
Thank you for playing "Too Much Information".

Cuckoo for ...Healthy Chocolate?

2007-04-28T17:29:44Z

So I went to this Direct Marketing seminar last night, and the product was "healthy chocolate." An oxymoron, one would think. But the lady of the hour was none other than Marie Osmond-can you stand it? She looked great except for the fake eyelashes, which I personally found disturbing. Oddly enough, she seemed incredibly genuine, or else I was just totally star-struck. Her nephew, Justin Osmond (Merrill's son, the one with hearing loss) was with her. He works here in the cities for Starkey Foundation, and is a supporter of the "healthy chocolate" craze. He looked so much like Donny that my heart was pounding like a teenager. YUMMY - WHO CARES ABOUT THE CHOCOLATE??? That said, although I HATE HATE HATE sales, I could be seduced by dark chocolate and the Osmond Family. I am that pathetic.

Losing My Compass

2007-04-15T02:35:41Z

I'm unemployed. This brings an end to a somewhat dazed period of my existence that I did not anticipate, and in retrospect, did not handle very well. Oh well, I never claimed to have a map or level of maturity to keep things in perspective. I've said many times in the last few weeks, on one hand, I'm utterly disgusted with myself and feel like a failure. On the other hand, I am so completely relieved, and I am more relaxed and comfortable with myself than I have been in three years. I can't explain that. Although some things have changed and I have taken steps to grow, some things have not, and I still wallow in them. I did not like my job. Some aspects, yes, but to be honest, having worked from home for ten years and then attempting to re-enter the physical workforce did not go very well for me. I don't think I know how to keep an actual schedule. It's been such a very long time since I had to adhere to something like that, I screwed it up. I accept responsibility for the parts of my opportunity that I screwed up, but at the same time, I have to wonder if I was set up to fail. Which sucks. I did learn, though, that although all of my life I assumed, based on my outgoing personality, I would naturally succeed in the sales field, this is not the case at all and I completely over-estimated myself. The ironic contradiction is that the job itself was turning me into somewhat of an introvert. I'm fairly certain that I was teetering on the edge of my sane zone. I'm climbing out now. I'm not there. But I'm better. And mostly sober. I'm finding me. I still feel lost, but not as deep in the jungle. My house is cleaner and cleaner every day. I can breathe in here. I'm sure the Prozac helps, and I intend to keep it and be proactive with my mental health, as opposed to the spiral downward in an uncontrollable fashion. I'm a good person. I am. I have a good heart. I hate that it hurts all the time. But in the last couple of weeks, the time that I am spending with my children, especially Erin all day (and I didn't realize how much I missed that), is really serving to heal me. Sort of. I'm not going to jump in without a life jacket. But I can breathe. One day at a time. One step at a time. Baby steps. Move on. Move on. Can it be done? One would think. What next?

The Wine Bar

2007-02-28T00:57:25Z

I'm sitting in my favorite little wine bar. Kristi and I frequent this haunt. I love it. It's dark, quiet, quaint. The food is incredible, and the wine, even better. I'm alone. It's very surreal. Normally, on a Tuesday night, she would be with me, but she's sick with what I had Friday, and refuses to call the doctor for help. I, being a weenie, nipped it in the bud right away.
So, now, I'm alone in a wine bar, with my laptop, the picture of pathetic, I am sure. But at the moment, I've had enough lovely red that I don't care. I saw the DR yesterday, who informed me that drinking alcohol was counter-productive to an antidepressant....Really? I had no clue. It's not that I am a moron, but I'm just so good at this self-medication thing.
Anyhoo...rehearsal tonight, without my sick amigo. Darn it. It shall not be as much fun. Add all those other factors in, and it just might suck.
Oh, back to the visit to the physician...he analyzed me, and the upped my dosage by doubling it. Woo-hoo, I say. Bring on the cure. Cure me. Fix me. Tell me what the hell is wrong with me...(and don't say it's the wine).
I had a corporate meeting all day in Bloomington, and left still having a job, so that is a plus. I must be more successful. I was successful in the beginning. I wish I could understand where, when, and why I fell into my downward spiral. I am actually considering visiting a therapist...it can't hurt, right? Well, I've been considering it for some time. But now I actually have a name. What would I tell him, though? The truth? The truth is pathetic. I have no reason to be sad.
Where did I go?

Blizzard, And I Ain't Talkin' Dairy Queen

2007-02-25T03:54:03Z

I don't know why I said that...it just sounded funny at the time. It finally did start to snow this afternoon. They say we're to get a foot or more. Please...it hasn't done that the whole ten years I've been in Minnesota, don't know why it would start now... AND little Southern girl would really prefer if it didn't. I have to drive in for two services in the morning and don't really feel like fighting it, but I guess I will.

Called the DR yesterday and he called me in some antibiotics, so I'm feeling much, much better already. He also refilled the Prozac without me having to go in, thank God, although I know I need to see him. I just didn't want to run out. I'm afraid. How pathetic is that? Anyhoo...I'll make an appointment next week. That's a good girl.

Bridget Jones' Diary is on. I love that film. My favorite line is the very last one, beautifully muttered by a hugely sexy Colin Firth. My goodness...

And, nice boys DO kiss like that.

Kleenex

2007-02-23T14:56:06Z

I have a cold. A hellacious cold. I've been taking Allegra since October, and it's been a terrific addition to my life, but I don't think it can fight the common cold or flu. Boy, I hope it's not the flu. My shoulders ache. I'm up in Monticello today doing drug safety for the middle schoolers. I find that ironically amusing, in that I am taking drugs (prescribed ones) to survive. Amusing. Last night, for the first time in two months, I did not have a drink. A couple of times I found myself wishing I WAS drunk, in the "how to deal" capacity. But I didn't. Not sure how I feel about it. I say and do stupid things when I drink. No common sense. It goes right out of the window, and brutal honesty comes flying out of my mouth. So last night, I didn't drink, and didn't say anything honest. There you have it.

Now, I just need t blow my nose, over and over again.

ncsnowbelle @ 2007-02-16T12:45:00

2007-02-16T18:51:28Z

My very dear friend, Mrs. Breen, or Grammy (as my kids and I call her, because I never could bring myself to call her Florence) passed from this world last Saturday. She was 91. Even though I know she had a wonderful life, a wonderful outlook, and it was just her time, I am still grieving. K & I got to the hospital moments after she died...I felt robbed of being able to tell her good-bye. Even though we were no kin whatsoever, to me she was my grandmother. We took care of each other for 8 years, and then I took care of her while she spent the last 18 months in the nursing home after a nasty fall and severe brain injury. She was a beautiful person, and I was so lucky to have her in my life. I helped planned the funeral, which was lovely. My dear Clark sang Deep River, and it was stunning. Grammy would have been very pleased. I loved her and will miss her so much.

Oddly, even with everything that's been churning around me, I've been able to really sleep the last two nights. I can't explain that, but I'm sure glad. I feel a tad better (well, that comes and goes, but right now, I'm fairly even.) This is a good thing, believe me.

Tomorrow, it's Monster Trucks for Erik's birthday. Lucky ME!!!!

ncsnowbelle @ 2007-02-09T23:05:00

2007-02-10T05:05:45Z

broken. weak.

BRRRRRR

2007-02-06T01:57:53Z

Yes, I MAY be a "delicate Southern flower"...
but there was no way in hell that I was going anywhere with it -17 below 0. That's the coldest it's ever been in my entire 37+ years...no need for me to start a trend by actually going out in it. Well, I tried. I did go to a meeting this morning, and then came back with a plan of completing my paperwork and then going out to coordinate the project...but even in three layers of clothing, once I got back in here and got winter sleepy, I made an executive decision. This is not fit weather for human beings. I don't know how people can actually enjoy this...

I'd rather wilt than get frostbite.

Existing

2007-02-03T01:29:36Z

I am attempting to exist, survive. Some days are better than others. Obviously, the night I posted my last entry was a bad day. I'm much better today. Other people have real problems, yet they manage to be strong, and stoic, and they get by. I respect them. I look up to them. My problems are so small, I guess, but to me, sometimes are overwhelming. That makes me weak. My doctor recently prescribed an anti-depressant...well, about two months ago, but he changed the meds about one month ago. I didn't want to be here again. I never thought I would be. I over-estimated myself. Right this minute I'm okay with that. I'm human. I just didn't want this to be me again. In fact, it's not even a me I recognize, and I'm truly uncomfortable with that. But I'm going to try to work on it. I've been numbing it with alcohol lately. I'm not missing the fact that alcohol is a depressant (it's in the back of my mind) and therefore everything may be counter-acting. I'm just going to keep trying. Even though some days I don't want to.
My children are beautiful people. Even the hormonal twelve-year-old demon princess...she takes my worst moods and makes them worse. But she's still beautiful, and smart, and, when not scowling or rolling her eyes at me, she is a pleasure.
I have three beautiful people in my life. I have one best friend who knows my faults and flaws and loves me anyway. Surely, in the end, it's all going to be okay. I just have to find a way to get there.

There. That's the end of my Sad Sack story for today. It's what under-developed characters in bad movies are made of...

ncsnowbelle @ 2007-01-24T22:46:00

2007-01-25T05:04:38Z

Would it be truthful to say that being truthful on your live journal is not truthful? I'm not going to be truthful anymore.

Stranger In My Own Mind

2007-01-21T23:44:19Z

I'm really not a freak. Or, I'm really a freak. I've spent an hour or so reading past postings on my journal, and if you didn't know me, you might really think I need to attend AA meetings. This is not the case. Yes, I search for an escape. Yes, a numbing agent. Yes, I know I'll never find it. I think, perhaps, inner peace is a farce. No one has it. No one will ever have it. You're supposed to be just satisfied with who and what you are, I think. I'm not. I won't be. Screw it. But I'm not trying to drink it away. I just want it to go away. Is that too much to ask? I think not.

Moving on...I did absolutely nothing this weekend. K & I went out for dinner and wine Friday night, and it was lovely. I do so enjoy her company. I am just myself. She knows all, and accepts me. Expects nothing of me. Loves me for me. An angel on Earth, if you ask me. I don't know how I would have survived the last year without her. In fact, I can't remember my life before her. I'm very lucky. Everyone should have a friend who loves you unconditionally. We came back here Friday night and hung out, slept, goofed around, watched chick flicks and mysteries, drank somemore (I don't understand the Jack Daniels excitement-it let me down), played games, drank some more, and did NOTHING. It was grand. I hated to see her go this morning. But alas, she had a date. Not with me. A real live boy, as she said.
What's that, I say?

Could my brain work in a more random way?

Me

2007-01-16T02:31:31Z

My heart breaks every time I breathe...what is wrong with me? I am just going to drink myself into oblivian, and I have no right, comparitively speaking, to even be sad. But I am sad. Vodka is my friend.

ncsnowbelle @ 2007-01-04T11:42:00

2007-01-04T17:43:39Z

You would think by looking at the last time I posted that I haven't had random thoughts in months. This is not true. I am full of random thoughts and I spew them verbally quite often. Just ask lady_azure. She refers to me as a Non-Sequetor. It's fitting, and I like it. In the spirit of jumping from subject to subject, Christmas came and went and flashed before my very eyes. I was so busy that I hardly noticed it. Now, explain to me how a person with a total lack of motivation AND effort can be so busy that Christmas catches them off guard. It makes zero sense. Then again, much in my life the last few years has made very little sense to me. The tree was finally decorated Christmas Eve, not by me, mind you, because I was at St. Stephens from 1pm until well after midnight. I received a Pix message during the 8:30 service of a fully decorated tree (fully with about one fourth of the ornaments that we have collected over the years, because the tree was one fourth the size of our usual, which I didn't mind. It took up a whole lot less space. Well, let me re-phrase that. It TAKES up a whole lot less space, because it's still standing. Maybe this weekend. After all, it's only been up a week, really).
I had two nights in the fourteen days before Christmas that I wasn't singing somewhere. Which I love, but also find completely exhausting, especially now that I have a real day-job. Which, incidentally, has not been going very well. I've been unmotivated, unsuccessful, and unhappy. I've felt very much like a failure in many aspects. I have no one to blame but myself. My thoughts and what energy I have has been directed elsewhere (for more than a year, in fact), the traveling began to take it's toll on me, and frankly, I've just mucked it up. Fortunately, my company is very patient, and seems to want success for me (because obviously, that means success for them) so they are giving me another chance. I can do this. I had a reasonably successful day yesterday. Oh, I forgot to mention that in November I had surgery on my very painful foot, and my dad had prostate cancer and surgery to remove the organ in early December. Things have just piled on, all adding to me being in mental and emotional crisis, and now I am trying, attempting, to pull myself out and find the me that I recognize. I know I'm in here somewhere.
I've had a couple of weeks of from singing, which I needed. My doctor has made some adjustments for me. Now the rest is up to me. I read something in a favorite store the other day that said something about making each day a reason to get out of bed. I can't remember it now and that's bumming me out. Oh, well.
I just want to say that even though I make a lot of bad decisions, sometimes for good reasons, sometimes not so much, I am still a loving person with a good heart. My heart is full of love. How's that for random?

I'm a Stupid Idiot

2006-10-08T01:29:11Z

I am 37 years old. I should know who I am by now, shouldn't I? I should be successful, and I should know how to make my life work.

I don't.

ncsnowbelle @ 2006-09-25T23:16:00

2006-09-26T04:21:17Z

Why is it in life that the minute we may actually be moving forward, we do something stupid, make a poor choice, and set ourselves back? And I mean way back. Maybe I was just never moving forward to begin with...
Dwelling, as someone said yesterday. I dwell, and I don't move on. Stupid. That's not a healty, growth-inducing habit. And it only comes back to bite you in the butt, and possibly hurt you over and over again.

And, as expected, the evil, vicious stomach-flu has worked it's way through the house again. Four down, one to go. Bring it on. I can Lysol with the best of them.

I'm sick to death of vomit.

ncsnowbelle @ 2006-09-21T11:25:00

2006-09-21T16:31:48Z

I don't know what was running through my mind when I wrote my last entry. Today I'm tired. My feet hurt. Let's add insult to injury, shall we? Erin woke up puking, poor little thing. She's finally gone back to sleep now. There is no way anything is left in her stomach. One year olds just do not know what is happening when they are throwing up their guts. I've also learned in the last 12 years that it is amazing what substances a person will put their hands in when their child is hurting. I'm a better person than I thought I was. Well, sometimes. Sometimes, not so much.